Hungry Like a Wolf
NOTE: The play is an adaptation and a mash-up of two Hungarian folk tales, "The Wolf's Joke" and "The Seven Goatlings". The student participants of the first mobility will stage and perform the play.
The Sheep's two bodyguards
The Mob (Men #1-3)
Toriel (Mama goat)
Famer's house, garden
Farmer: Well, you skinny animals, off you go from my house! Now, that I'm vegan, I no longer need you. Go swine, go horse and go sheep! May the wolf eat y'all!
The animals go in one line but a bit further from each other. The wolf is standing behind a tree, pushing the buttons on a switched-off mobile phone. The horse enters.
The Wolf(murmuring): Come on you piece of crap!
Seeing the horse, he looks at the audience with a broad smile on his face.
Okay, then! Let's stick to the well-known method.
To the horse: Oh, Glad to see you, Horse! Although my grandson has shown me how to order food online, I can't wrap my head around it. But an old wolf is still not a dead wolf, so now I will catch and eat you!
The Horse (scared, tries to wheedle): Oh dear Wolf, it would be so good to be eaten by such a great wolf. But to my despair, the Farmer kicked us out because he's become vegan. I'll be honest with you. He wanted me to go to the city to learn about modern life. I have to respect his wish. But next year, I'll return and you can eat me. Not to mention that my two mates, the pig and the sheep are way fatter than me, so they'll make good dinner.
The Wolf (flattered): All right, Horse! See you next year. I'll feast on your mates until then, but don't forget to come on time!
The Horse exits nodding. The Wolf takes out a tablecloth from his pocket and ties it around his neck. The Pig enters.
The Wolf (without looking at the Pig): Now, I'm gonna eat you, you fat little Pig!
The Pig (hurt, shouting): You're calling me a fat pig?! I'm soon to become a single mother!
The Wolf (humbled, tries to calm the Pig down): Ma'am, please, lower your voice, I just...
The Pig (still upset): You chauvinist bastard! You'd eat me just because I'm a woman?! I'm as valuable as you are. You'll see, one year from now, I'll be a more important person than you. And now, if you excuse me, I have to go and build my career. (Pushes the Wolf to the side and exits.)
The Wolf scratches his head unwittingly when the Sheep enters. The Sheep frowns seeing the Wolf. The Wolf looks at him suspiciously.
The Wolf: At least, I'll eat you. Your master said this, anyways!
The Sheep (falls on his knees in front of the Wolf, crying desperately): Please, don't eat me! I have nothing! (Stands up, pulls his coat open, we can see one or two watches tied to his coat from the inside.) Look! Look for yourself! I'm broke! (In a more uplifting manner) But! Don't worry! Many animals owe me big time! I'll go and collect my debts, buy a lot of cabbages, eat all of them and I'll be fatter than ever, you'll see! (Smiling cunningly) Given, that you won't eat me now!
The Wolf (confused because of the Sheep's fast talk, thinking loudly): Sooooo...., If I see it well, you're broke but a year from now, you'll be fixed and come back.
The Sheep (smiling cunningly): Sure, that's right. See you in a year's time, Wolf!
The Wolf (confused, to the audience): Who understands this? But next year, I'll have a feat. His phone rings and runs off the stage nervously.
The woods. A year has passed by.
The Wolf (pushing the buttons on a touch-screen phone angrily): And they tell me I have to keep pace with our times!
The Pig enters in a black dress, looking like a real businesswoman.
The Wolf (looks up and smiles): Well, Pig, you're here to be eaten?
The Pig: Yes, Wolf, but not until we close this case officially!
The Wolf: Officially?
The Pig (smiling): Please, let me introduce my children! Meet Rupertina, who studied law at Harvard, and she will be my counsellor. This is Betty, who also studied law and she will be the judge. Finally, Swinedoline, who became a policewoman. See, what women are capable of? Let the trial begin!
They sit down as if they were in a courtroom.
Rupertina: Your Honour! According to my client, the Wolf wanted to consume her, causing her a trauma in the process. If she had been eaten, she wouldn't have been able to pursue her career. Please, Your Honour, set an example and punish the defendant harshly!
Betty: I find the defendant, the Wolf, guilty of intruding privacy, harassment and racial discrimination. The sentence is beating.
Swindoline, the policewoman takes the confused Wolf out. The Pig gives high-fives to her children and they also exit. Soon, the Wolf enters with a black-eye.
The Wolf (whining): I won't deal with women anymore!
The Sheep enters wearing sunglasses, expensive clothes and with two bodyguards on his side.
The Wolf: Oh, my dear friend, Sheep! I'm so weak and hungry! It's so good you came back! Now come and let me eat you!
The Sheep (pushes his sunglasses down to his nose and looks at the wolf scornfully): You think I deal with such lowlifes as you are? You should be grateful that I'm passing by and you can lay your eyes on me! Here! Buy some bread for yourself! (Tosses a few coins to the Wolf, snaps his fingers, the 2 bodyguards step forward and push the Wolf aside and beat him. When they finish, they exit, following the Sheep.)
The Wolf sits up, cries when the Horse enters.
The Horse: Wazzup, my Man? (Tries to give a high-five to the Wolf but he doesn't understand this.) How's it goin', my Man? See? I dig this city life and I'm meaner and leaner than eva'! Wazzup with you, Bro?
The Wolf (looking up darkly): Who cares, my Son? Come, let me eat you! (Stands up.)
The Horse: Eatin' each other? Don't be a fossil! It's 2017! Haven't you seen Twilight? Wolfes are not trendy anymore! Grow a six-pack and come to party with me! Cheer up. Mate!
The Horse grabs the Wolf by his arm, and pulls him off-stage. The Wolf follows him in apathy.
A wedding party
Everybody is having a great time, when the Horse enters with the Wolf. The people freeze, look at the Wolf and somebody shouts:
Man #1: Look at the Wolf! He caught the cool Horse!
Man #2: Let's help him!
Man #3: Grab your forks and scythes!
The Wolf (shaking the horse's hand quickly): I don't understand these parties, but I don't think I'll wait and see how it ends! See you, Horse!
Runs off-stage, the mob is following him.
The Wolf (limping, licking/tending his wounds): Oh, how fool I am! My stomach is empty and I was beaten. I'll sign up on Instagram to get some fresh meat!
The stage goes black.
The Wolf is surfing on his mobile.
The Wolf: Wow! Now that I have signed up on Instagram, I can see how many delicious looking animals live in the forest! Take this Mama Goat, for example! She has five goatlings and she posts photos of them all the time! They look delicious! Now, I'm going to pay them a visit and tonight, I'll feast on tender goat meat! He wonders off stage towards the goatlings' house.
The Goatlings' home and garden
The goatlings are preparing for lunch.
Toriel: It's chow time, kids, hurry up!
Morsel is the first to show at the table, holding a sandwich
Morsel: Yaaay, broccoli soup!
Grumps: At least put that damn sandwich down!
Each of them assume their seats except Techy. Toriel hands out the plates.
Toriel: Where's Techy?
Grumps: Where, where... he's on the computer, of course!
Points to his brother hunching over the desk in front of the computer.
Toriel: Techy, put that thing down, come over here and eat your lunch!
Morsel: Yeah, hurry up, it's still warm! (Munching profusely)
Techy: Alright, alright, I'm coming!
The family finishes dining, and Toriel is heading off to the market.
Toriel: Behave yourselves while I'm away! And most importantly, don't open the door to anyone but me, understood? You'll know it's me by my white fur and high voice. The Wolf is sharp and if you aren't careful he's going to eat you all one by one!
Lurky: Eat us!!?? (biting his nails)
Toily: Don't worry, mum! We'll look out for each other!
Toriel: Keep your noses clean, will you?
Toily is doing the dishes in the kitchen, Grumps is reading a book, Morsel is making himself another sandwich, Lurky hides in a blanket, and Techy puts on his headphones and resumes browsing. Little did they know, the Wolf was actually spying on them from afar with a pair of binoculars.
Wolf: Finally, the old hag is gone! This wolf is feasting tonight!I'll just knock on the door and pretend to be mommy. Those kids should open the door right up, and then they're gone!
As he arrives to the door, starts knocking.
Grumps: Just open the darn door already!
Lurky: Hold on! You need to check who it is!
Grumps: Meh. Morsel, take a look outside, or I'm taking your sandwich!
Morsel: No, anything but my sandwich, you meanie! Don't worry, little fella, he can't hurt you while with me!
Morsel: Who is it?
Wolf: Hey, kids, it's mommy, and I got you chocolate. Let me in!
Morsel: Guys! It's mom! And she got us chocolate!
Toily: Don't open it, you clod!
Grumps: Yeah, that ain't her. Mom would never bring us chocolate, 'cause it wrecks your teeth, or something.
Lurky: You aren't our mommy! Piss off!
Wolf: But it's really me, children!
Toily: If it really is you, then show me your hands!
The Wolf shows his paws through the window.
Lurky: These aren't her white hands! These are the black paws of the Wolf!
Wolf: Damn you, little brats .Oh, don't you dare feel safe! I'll be back!
(heading to the baker's)
Wolf: You want white hands and healthy food? Ask and ye shall receive!
The Wolf arrives at the bakery
Baker: Holy mackerel, there's a wolf in my shop! What on earth could it be doing here?
Wolf: Mind your own business, Just dump some flour on my hands and I'm out of here!
The Wolf dumps a bag of flour on his hands.
Wolf: There we go! Now there's no way they'll find me out!
Looks at his newly whitened fur with a smug grin, while making his way to the goatlings' house and knocking again.
The Goatlings' home and garden
Toily: Who is it?
Wolf: It's me, mommy! I brought you some NON-TOOTH-WRECKING cabbages!
Morsel: Okay, that has to be mom now!
Lurky: Show me your hands first!
The Wolf raises his whitened hand to the window.
Toily: Yup, that's mom alright! (opens the door)
Lurky: Run, it's the Wolf!
Everyone is running around except Techy. He is busy listening to music on his headphones.
Wolf: You are certainly a brave one! Thus, you may enjoy the honor of being consumed by me as first.
Techy: Oh no, my Instagram is being marked inactive! I know! Let's take a selfie!
Grabs phone, and snaps a dank pic.
Techy: #selfie #boresies #whodat #wolf... Wait, wolf?!
Popping up, he tries to evade the Wolf. Coming to his senses after the initial perplexion, the Wolf moves on to searching the room for the goatlings.
Wolf: Come on goat, don't be rude! Into the gut you go!
Finds all the kids one by one, eating them whole except Lurky, who hid in the wall-clock, where the Wolf couldn't reach him.
Wolf: Mmmm. I'm full to the brim! I think I'll take a short nap on this grass...!
He meanders out to the grass, and as soon as he lays down, he falls asleep. Lurky then gets out of the clock and starts weeping.
Toriel: Whatever in the world happened!!?? As soon as I noticed Techy's post on Instagram I blitzed home.
Lurky: The Wolf deceived us. His hands were all white, so we let him in! And then he ate them all! I hid in the clock where he couldn't reach me.
Toriel: Worry not! We might still have some time!
Waltzes to the drawer, and picks up a ridiculously large blade.
Toriel: There it is! This is your grandfather's cattle knife! We might be able to free them with this!
Lurky: Hastily then!
They sneak into the garden, where Toriel slices the guts of the Wolf open with a single slice, and they take the goatlings out. The kids all hug their mommy*
Grumps: So, what the hell do we do with this ugly bastard?
Toily: What if he wakes? He's gonna be mad as a bull, and surely wipe us out!
Toriel: Let's stuff his tummy with something, and throw him into the well once he gets up!
Morsel: But what do we stuff him with that's just as heavy as we are?
Techy: Let's get some old junk from the attic. Throw my laptop in there too, while you're at it! I'm done with the internet, forever!
Toriel: Okay, kids! Quick, get the junk! I'm gonna make sure he won't awake.
The goatlings throw the stuff in his belly, and then Toriel stitches it back together.
Toriel: There we go! Let's hide in the kitchen 'till he's up!
As soon as they hide, the Wolf begins getting up.
Wolf: Whoa! Eating this much goat really makes you thirsty!
The slowly walks up to the well, and leans over to take a sip. The goatlings charge at him from behind, and push him over the edge. The wolf falls into the well, and Toriel closes the cover on top.
Toriel: Well done, kids! That damn Wolf isn't bothering anyone anymore.